The All Time Low Times The All Time High of All Time Equals Good Times


Yeah, I've been fighting with an Excel formula all week long and I just gave up. Sort of like I gave up on this blog. Like I dumped it right, like a girlfriend...but then you're right back at her doorstep even though you know you shouldn't be but you're there anyway. Kinda like I shouldn't be posting a new blog. =countif(this:blog, "lame")+(counta(Todd:A, "dork")). I don't know...I have an idea... but I don't know know.

The Skin & The Sauce

The Calm Before The Fuck

I don't know where I fit in this venn diagram...

This blog has become a trailer park, but not the type you are from. I'm talking typing about full of video clips from the internets and upcoming movies...not what I wanted it to be. Lets get back to the basics...more douchery! Yayyy!!!!!!1


Yeah..so..and..getting out of the hospital after 2.75 days isn't all its cracked up to be. Sure, there is the fact you're not receiving intravenous therapy but who is to say I don't want that? It is so convenient. Sure there is the fact some chick does not check on you every 4 hours, but who is to say I don't want that? I do, but she will have a script to follow that does not include the word why, and leaves when I say 'be gone, B.' I'm going back!

If you can read (which I highly doubt. I'm all-in that you can't. does that mean I win? maybe I'm good at gambling. king me) If you can read, as you can see, above I stated, remember when I said I was in the hospital for almost 3 days? Let me clarify that for you...its true! Let me give you a little insight...I'm out! I don't like my business in the streets. When I returned to work the GM jumped down my balls like he was glad to see me, so I lied to his pasty face that 'I'm glad to be back' although I was wanting more IV love. I took that lying tone throughout the remainder of the day..the day that consisted of the same monotonous-corporate wannabe-world class-passive aggressive-small talk I hate. I want to tell the all to 'calm the fuck down.'



I really like Fiction Plane, every song. This one is an old one, but its still good

The One Who Told You So


There were more shit-storms at work the past two weeks. I was not completely immune to this round of disturbances but succesfully avoided any collateral damage. Last week there was a major corporate visit...I'm talking el vice-presidente, very major. He was not completely satisfied and scheduled regular visits for the remainder of last and this week.

Secondarily, there was an incident. I was not involved nor witnessed this occurence, but somehow interest was pointed towards me. The initial meeting was not nice...at all. After a vague and awkward introduction, the sit-down began. I was not prepared, stumbled over my words, and because I had no idea what was going on I withheld information. At the conclusion I exited, sighed, and called a co-worker to give a heads-up of the events.

The exchange was a hilarious and included the most vulgar double entendres. As only Pesci and an idoit such as myself can pull off, I mentioned how they were breaking my balls and how my ass was chewed out without any explainations. After a pause, realization, and laughter I cleared things up a bit and received the assurance that they were in my corner... only to be told they'd have to call me back because they were on their way to an orgy. Funny guy.

That eased the tension a bit. After cancelling all of my classes this week there was another improvised two hour meeting with the same party. After being briefed, I was well-informed and prepared. For the first time I knew what was going on and became fully cooperative and at times, threw a few managers under the bus. The day ended with my participation in a very interesting and productive root cause analysis to minimize the posibility of this incident from occuring again.

Sunday morning I went to the MAC (Midtown Art Cinema) and was engulfed in a documentary about Donald Crowhurst called Deep Water. Look him up on Wikipedia and you would want to see the film.
I hear a lot of buzz about The Valley of Ellah so I'm going to check it out next Sunday.

I'm sure I've mentioned Moving Mountains shattering faces, Pela dislocating mandibles, and Shapes & Sizes extracting fingernails one by one in previous posts but I thought I'd bring them up again. As far as indie music goes, this is how it should be done. Mobius Band electrocutes nipples and are worth an honest listen.


what have we

The Answer Will Question Still


Every Monday I'm blindsided by the same questions from the same people. First, HR corners me in my office, then the IT guy blocks me in the doorways. The question posed-

'How was your weekend?'

I'm sure they don't really care, they are just attempting to make small talk with the big thinker. I've learned to be short with these two so the reply is always the same.

'I didn't do much, wish it was longer.'

Well, for the past two weeks that has been the truth. Saturdays I've gone to see some pretty mediocre movies and spend so much time lazing around on Sundays that I'm in a daze for most of Monday. There will be a change in that routine this weekend, but my answer will remain the same.

I may come off as a cold person in the workplace. When I have to travel out of my office space to the copier I tend to walk briskly to avoid a few members of the staff. Often I'm caught in an unbreakable stride with the most annoying and meaningless inquiry-

'Hey, how are you doing.'

No eye contact on my part and the response-

'Fine.'

That's all, and most times I'm sure they don't hear me. I don't return the question, mainly because I really don't care. Is that not wrong? Nice wording. Aside from the instances described above, I think I am well-liked and popular at work.

Last season, Monday nights was take-out and Heroes and maybe something on MTV. I kind of miss the company, this season won't be the same. Chuck seems pretty good and I hope Heroes can keep it up. With this DVR, I won't miss anything...unless I die. Can't wait for Lost...and college basketball...and to get a life


the days to come

The Ass I Kick, The Names I Take


A flippin' 14 hour work day that I owned so bad. For any other being, it would have been an admirable feat; for I, it is the essential normalcy. The catastophic shit-storms that would have rendered most humans powerless [and smelly], I turned the tide and became the force majeure [and shit free]. The ineffable dialogue, the witty/sarcastic humor and quips, all with the backdrop of my overall lameness...an insatiable life I lead.

Indie music! Meneguar, My Brightest Diamond, Explosions In The Sky are part of the new rotation. I also picked up a mixtape, Hey You, Play This In Your Car Stereo Vol. 1, and loved Starfucker, Acres, Eskimo & Sons, and Typhoon. If you dare, give them a try.


does anything I said seem relevant at all?

The Star Heart Chamber


During my presentation today I attempted to sprinkle a few anecdotes into the material being covered to spice things up. It did not work. I crashed and burned under the hot stage lights. The crickets were playing. I was horrible. I apologized to everyone in attendance and they pretty much accepted. In the world of entertainment, you have to have a short memory and pick yourself back up. I'm not in the world of entertainment.

Tomorrow morning I have another class/presentation and I will redeem myself. I'm not concerned with reading over the subject material and making sure I have a knowledge of what I'm talking about. No, instead I'm concocting a few quips and non sequitors, the more important things.

I have regenerated and now my health bar is about 92%, that's enough to unlock the Star Heart Chamber and make it to level 4. Next time I'll enter the cheat code, [up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, L1, L2, start] for everlasting life. [Idiot]

[Omfg!] I almost forgot. For the past week or so, one Cougar has been all over me. Today she basically propositioned me. I could go to HR, who I am also weary of, and file a sexual harrassment complaint, it was that bad. Seriously, she asked me to have sex with her in so many words. I respectfully declined. Her response was, 'let me know when you are ready for an older woman'. She's [fucking] 40! I maybe should have used a different [bad word]. Hey, she isn't the only Cougar that is making advances, this was just the most blatant and aggressive act...so far.

It was curtains for another co-worker. She obviously was not Made and didn't have any inside 'connections'. At one point we would carpool together...until her boyfriend met me. I didn't understand, she told him I was gay. Here's to the departed. [cymbal crash]


as you were

At 24, I am the youngest in the office. Today there was an injury. Someone received a laceration to the leg, not too serious. We have yet to replace the Safety Coordinator who would normally handle these situations. I'm hanging out on the other side of the building wasting time, being a dork, and socializing and I received the call, 'Todd, please dial 407.' I call. 'Hey Todd, its Cathy. We have an injury and John is in a meeting, can you handle it?'. What am I supposed to do? [Fuckers]. I find as much paperwork as I can and make my way to my office where The Injured is waiting...in my office...bleeding. I give him the paperwork to complete and walk briskly to find a First Aid Kit [since no one else thought of it] and gather the most useless items such as burn cream, a tourniquet, and a breathing strip for myself but also more relevant things like gauze, anitbiotic ointment, and bandages. The entire time I was questioning why I was elected to treat the individual, and most importantly why did he take his bleeding leg into my office?

Also, the Canon copier and I spent some quality time. It seems as though others neglect her. On two occasions there were jams and no one took the time to repair the problem. I follow the instructions on the wonderful touch screen and gladly open her up and removed the obstruction. Later in the investigation I find that the original document belonged to HR. I stroll over to her office and place the original on her desk with a knowing glance...she knew I knew.


they call you echo, because you always answer

The Mortal Element


We all must arrive to the realization that I am indeed a mortal being. I don't fall ill too often, in fact its been almost a year since even the smallest cold. Since this is a rare occurenece, I'm not sure how to react. I will admit I am more aggrivated and feel a slight bit of frustration only because the sinus pressure is making it difficult to enjoy my music.

Its going to be interesting later in the week when I have presentations to give. As I sing along to songs there is a noticible rasp in my voice and I have to strain in order to be heard which affects my lung capacity. There has to be a miraculous recovery in order to be up to standard, but in my case, my worst day is better than others' bad days.

Yes, unfortunately I am...mortal. In Greek Mythology, a Hero is created when an immortal god or goddess 'hooks up' with a human. I'm trying to firgure how Dorks are created so I can end this tragic cycle.


so long

The Luscious Mix of Words And Tricks


A long time ago, last Tuesday night, I attended a tailgating session and a Braves game just so happened to be scheduled. I think they played the Giants. . .and I'm not sure who won. I do remember a wave, and the 7th inning stretch singing of Take Me Out To The Ball Game, but the rest is beer, and beer, and beer. My firt experience with Bud Light and Miller Lite. I hesitate to add them to the beer list, although I'll consider it because the list is quite small, and embarassing. I have an impotent beer list. We played Flip Cup, my first and favorite drinking game. No winners, no losers...except for...

With work which included a presentation looming the next day I was fearful of a hangover. What the opposite. I woke a couple of hours early with an energetic feeling that found me dancing/shaving to Daft Punk at 5:00am. Once I arrived to the classroom and made my introductions I noticed my speech was slurred just a tad. I wonder if others picked up on this.

I like the Delirium beers. Its a Belgian dark ale with a high alcohol content so to lessen the strong taste, a rotation with a glass of water is practiced, or even more lame[r], I'd put ice cubes in the glass of beer. I'm glad I can find it in the local Bottle Shoppe but the thing is, they only carry it in pints which is about 3 servings. After 2 I'm pretty loose but I have to finish the bottle, its corked.

Architecture In Helsinki has grown on me. City Calm Down, One Heavy February, Souvenirs [I recognized from a Sprint advertisement], and Like a Call are some favorites from Fingers Crossed.

I suddenly realized that John Vanderslice has a Postal Service sound which is a good thing. Maybe a tour with Vanderslice, Death Cab For Cutie/Postal Service/Dntel, and Iron & Wine would be perfect.

Panda Bear is fantastic but Grizzly Bear is not. The sound is almost alike, but Pandas far more viscous than Grizzlies, its a fact.

Circa 1:22 into All My Hamocks Are Dying by Chin Up Chin Up and the 2:12 mark of Split Needles by The Shins and is what I'm all about.

love,
todd

You don't care, but its okay.

I skipped out on a meeting today. Hey, I wasn't invited. I guess I did such a fantastic job of not participating in last week's sit downs they saved me the agony of the 'slow talk' from Mike. My mind always associates situations with movies, but we could have our own Godfather family in the workplace. We have a Mikey, Paulie, Jimmy, Johnny, Tommy, Bobby, Tony and Jaimie. Sounds like one on the surface, but when you get into the intricate workings in the communication processes, the lingo and the disappearance of the Safety Coordinator, I think we have a case..I think they 'rubbed' him out. Most of the women wear too much make up and I've seen more than 3 gold chains with crosses on the hairy chests on some of the fellas.

I think I'm Made, and lucky I am. Maybe I shouldn't have skipped that meeting! Now that I think about it. I'm screwed, they might be meeting about how they are going to 'make me dead'. . .Nah, I'm too valuable. Now I've gotten myself paranoid.

Today, as they were walking past my office to the conference room, one of the more attractive cougars entered, for what I'm still unsure. She made a comment on the way the light was coming through the [7] windows and how my desk was so organized and of course how cold it was. As far as pick-up lines go, she could have done better. Kidding. I'm not a big fan of small talk so I just smiled and brushed her off. I walked towards the door and turned the lights off hoping she wouldn't get the wrong message. Thankfully she got it right and followed me out.

The [fucking] Shins are [fucking] awesome. I know they've been around for a while but they are just now growing on me. Split Needles was playing in the office a little too loud yesterday, I didn't care. Those To Come, Caring Is Creepy, and Pink Bullets are very good songs. I really miss Iron & Wine though. Elliot Smith is good chill music, I like to fall asleep to it.

The World Without Magic and Nada Surf are pretty good indie bands. I need to read a thesaurus or sprinkle some more [fucking]s around, that always emphasizes stuff. But the songs Where Is My Mind and Do It Again by Nada Surf are hot shit. But none is better than Chin Up Chin Up!


go Captain! let's go, let's go, let's go

The Metronome


[So,] I was catching up on So You Think You Can Dance Wednesday night. The last one I saw there were 14 dancers left and tonight they are down to 8. The first routine was amazing and it really made me feel bad for missing the other episodes. I can always go back and watch them on the DVR.

Dominic had a weak partner and first routine which really sucked for him. He has quite the competition with Danny who has come a very long way. I like his style but Dom is a little more versatile and will be sure to win, he just needs to pick the right partner. The other dancers aren't half bad either, but the judges are annoying as crap.

The days at work are getting longer, I should start going in later in order to balance things out. I'm very thankful for my position and the new Canon copier [ImageRunner] in the paper room. Its fantastic, you don't eeeven know. I want one in my living room. Maybe not. . .it probably costs about $3k.

Dateline is evil. Their latest investigation, To Catch An I-Jacker is ridiculus. They left iPods on benches, cars. . .anywhere someone can find them and what did people do? They picked them up and either sold, used, or gave them away. Then the Dateline guy tracked the iPods down and had a hidden camera interview with the 'innocent' people who ended up with them. What happened to 'Finders Keepers'? If I 'found' an iPod I'm not sure what I'd do with it.

Maybe fill it up with Laura Veirs, who I am rediscovering, Autolux, Kennedy, Nada Surf, September, and the entire catalog of Chin Up Chin Up. Dare I say...Chin Up Chin Up is becoming my favorite band of ever?


Chopsticks & Tea Cups

The Part I Seem To Hide


The plan was the Scorsese Double Feature at Atlanta's Fox Theater. The Departed and Goodfellas were back to back in the Coke Summer Film Festival. It was my first visit and I was not dissapointed. The crowd was pretty big but no match for the theater and the film was just as good as the other times I saw it. Unfortunately, we didn't stay for Goodfellas. That would have been another three hours. I'm already planning on going to the Fox again for Knocked Up, another installment in the Film Festival in the middle of August.

The job has become a bit more demanding, nothing I can't handle. It would suck if my job interferred with my personal life. . .or is it the other way around? All of these meetings, or as we like to call them in the office, 'Sit-Downs'. I'm used to standing over someone's cubicle and having a quick word, or better yet, trading e-mails with super-professional words such as 'proactive' and 'coordinate efficiently'.

The scene of the 'Sit-Downs' consist of a backdrop of [My New Office] and always [Around-The-Time-I'm-Supposed-To-Get-Off]. Send a Memo and let it be, Douche Bags!

invisible end

The Verticle Atitude


My weekend was okay. It was one of the more productive weekends in quite some time and also full of extremely long conversations via cell phone; an activity I don't participate in too often. It was very enjoyable, though.

Again, the Monday at work was full of nothing to do. Tons of socializing and attempting to look busy by having the file drawers open. I was thinking of changing the wallpaper on the desktop to a spreadsheet, that would be Ferris Bueller-like. I almost miss the cubicle setting but I wouldn't give up my office for it. I may have been playing Imogen Heap a little too loudly, but hey, its good music.

I have to attend a seminar tomorrow on the other side of town and I think I'm going to miss the workplace. I feel for those who hate their jobs. I look forward to going in and conquering all challenges. The sense of accomplishment is addictive and ambition is becoming habit. What a contradiction to the paragraph above. Maybe I have so much free time because I kick so much ass.

That leads me to this. One of the guys from the corporate office is setting up shop in the building. I've seen him around quite a bit but never introduced myself to him. He has unintentionally walked in on quite a few of my classes at just the right moments when I'm spilling on about a comedic experience. Today, Jay went out of his way to introduce himself and pry into my past work experience. He asks if I like where I am now and suggests openings in his department. Gives me a ticket to the seminar I'm attending tomorrow and says he already spoke to the General Manager, I'm just to go see what its all about. What the crap?

Oahu by Menomena! and Demensions and Verticals by Say Hi To Your Mom are on a constant repeat. Self Evidence by Timonium and Pushover by The Long Winters are fantastic. I love indie music!

The Words Have A Way Of Slipping Right Out


This past week went well. Its how things should be every week. My office is all set up with the final additions being filing cabinets. The only complaint would be the horrible glare from the wall of windows to my right. I like the view so I don't want to completely close the blinds. I may have to do some interior designing and rearranging next week.

Whenever someone walks in they always use the cliche of 'its freezing in here', and find themselves wandering over to the thermostat. Like, what are they going to do? I'm sure they are just curious of the exact temperature and don't have the intention of tampering with the settings. Of course, not.

The Galaxy is taking on Chelsea and interestingly and David were on the sidelines for much of the time. The Beckhams are receiving quite enough camera time as the play is somewhat sub-par. What did I expect? Its no Premier League Championship. West London would have been a better scene for the contest. Will I sell out and buy Beck's jersey?

Menomena!, Aqueduct, Bedroom Walls, and The Shins have taken my mp3 player hostage. This is after I mistakenly deleted the entire Iron & Wine catalog. Shepard's Dog is a wonderful album as with most of Iron & Wine's releases. House by the Sea, Wolves, and Boy With a Coin are great, great songs.

The Breath That Filled Her Lungs


Four presentations in rapid secession (which I owned) and a corporate walk through all within a 5 hour window. Work isn't always fun and games, but with the remaining 3 hours I made it so. My mp3 player made its way into my office and sparked a lengthy conversation about my wierd tastes in music and film, a subject I discuss frequently here. What amazed me is that I'm not the only one.

Only Wednesday night and I'm trying to find something to do this weekend besides shopping. I sure someone will invite me to go somewhere or do something I'd rather live without, but I will most likely comply. I need an Xbox 360 or something so I can waste time playing Guitar Hero or Rock Band instead.

It was suggested I go to The Earl to catch Attractive Eighties Women perform Thursday night. Maybe. I never heard of them until 2 days ago and haven't had the chance to hear any of their music.


such a dork, I am.

The Platonic Bomb


Today was one of the best Mondays I have had in quite a while. I woke up to the awesomeness of Why Is My Sleeping Bag A Ghetto? by Chin Up Chin Up after falling asleep with my supreme Shure earphones. That could could have been all and this day would have been considered a good one, but a few other events occured to make this Monday spectacular.

I didn't have any classes or presentations to give so I had the chance to finally sort through the mountain of paperwork and more importantly, socialize with some of the new faces around the office. The 'IT guy' miraculously completeled the new Dell set up in my office and now the network is extremely fast, which basically means I can update a lot more stupid spreadsheets while browsing the IKEA site and blog simultaneously. I also now have a more convenient usb port which allows the opportunity for me to be less productive when I start bringing my mp3 player. I just have to be carefull when there are meetings next door in the conference room.

For lunch, I ventured out of the confines of the workplace with one of the new faces, another bright eyed being. She and I enjoyed the afternoon sun and a hilarious conversation over Firehouse Subs on someone elses dime. Strictly platonic, seems like a start I guess. There wasn't even any traffic on the drive home, I'm afraid what tomorrow entails.

I now have a liking for Tina Fey after watching a few episodes of 30 Rock online. She is hilarious and smart and I dig the imperfections. I had no idea she was married, thanks to wiki.

In an attempt to increase the popularity of soccer in the States, one of my favorite football clubs, Chelsea, will be taking on the LA Galaxy for David Bekham's debut on the 21st. Any other time I'm sure it would be a landslide victory for Chelsea, Cole, and, Drogba but its going to be Beckham's day. What a set up. Its tough to watch MLS after watching the UEFA and World Cup. Seeing my favorite footballers Ronaldinho, Rooney, Thierry Henry, and Renaldo once a year is better than watching a season of MLS. The rest of the world is just on a higher level when it comes to soccer, among other things. I hope the Beckham fiasco does more good than harm.

Almost a month ago, while jamming to a remix of Daft Punk's Superheroes, a huge grasshopper I later named Fransisco crashed into my windshield. I first thought he was a leaf the way his wings fluttered between the wipers. I turned on the misters and I saw that he was still alive I was amazed. I had to be going about 55 when I heard the impact. When I parked I raised the wiper he was entangled in and attempted to assist him but he stubbornly declined. He proceded to hop his way off of the hood and found his way to the grass.

Love,
Todd

The Break Light


Commuting to work and seeing the sunrise instead of brake lights is greatly relaxing. Traffic in the Atlanta area can be a killer. On several occasions I have spilled a beverage in my lap on the drive to work because of braking suddenly. The result being the walk of shame through the entrance with a seemingly large area of wetness that bears the resemblance of me relieving myself.

Just imagine how my passive aggression takes hold while I hear the comments of my peers as I curse them under my smile. I make a dry threat that the next person who says something will not receive an explanation and usually a 'higher-up' calls my bluff. Motherf...

Thankfully, I see the sunrise several times a week and the only time I get the feeling of disavowed aggression/anxiety and do my best Barry Egan impression is when I mispronounce a word or use it improperly. Maybe that is obsessive compulsion, but that's quite enough personality disorders to discuss in one post.

I watched 40 minutes of High Tension and switched to Goodfellas which containse my favorite scene of all. The visit to Pesci's mother's house with a body in the trunk and they wind up eating a meal with her. They exit with a knife and shovels. That is dark humor.


luego

The Following Is Presented In...


Today I attended a class in the conference room, next door to my office. I was told about 8 co-workers were to accompany me, but it ended up being the interim Safety Coordinator and myself.

I walked, correction, turned the corner towards the conference room about a half hour late expecting a corporate suit with thinning hair and bad coffee breath. As I made my entrance I discovered I couldn't have been wronger. A young, mildly attractive bright eyed creature stood with her hand extended for a greeting. My hands were both occupied, the left with my notebook and the right with my coffee mug (secretly filled with Monster). I utilize my exceptional coordination and accomplish the handshake and introduction flawlessly.

She smiles exposing her retainer and a resemblance of a quirky laugh escapes, at this point I am officially attracted to her. Before the class meeting began, she excused herself to remove her retainer. It reminded me that I wore braces for about 3 years of my life and wore my retainer all of 2 days after they were removed. When she spoke, it was obvious she was still adjusting to not having to deal with the apparatus.

Moving on, her fashion sense was very stylish judging by her frames and shoes. Her Starbucks seemed to be doing the job as she spoke extremely fast and could not remain still. For taking notes on these things, needless to say I didn't learn much. When all was said and done, she politely slipped me her business card and suggested I "give her a call anytime if I had any questions about anything." Score a point for me...I think.


'And bye-bye...and bye-bye you idiot...'
[Punch Drunk Love]