The Fuckin' Dork is Back


Ask me what I did this week at work..go ahead. Not shit! The slackatiousness at work is returning, almost to the heights of the successful months of 0.0 productivity back in Atlanta. I remember those days. At least back then I would only be present for 5 to 6 hours a day. Here in Indy, I'm here most days the whole 8-9 hours but not much gets done. Doesn’t help the situation now that I've been moved into an office where the hallway is barren of foot traffic. I just turn on the stern, pop a Rockstar and down some trail mix and earn my salary. Funny though, my counterpart has the worst luck. In meetings I receive accolades, atta-boys and pats on the back, he on the other hand and probably deservedly so, gets shit for everything he does. This my friends is summarily how I get by. Maybe its career destiny or fate, I don’t do shit but I am the shit. Jealousy will surely follow but if you don’t have haters you aren’t doing something right…right?

So if I haven’t been working, what have I been doing? I went back home to Atlanta over the Independence weekend. Rented a car and drove. I’m all for road trips, in fact I’ll be embarking on one in a few weeks, but this was special. If I/we had planned the Atlanta trip a little better things would have turned out better, but as it was we drove from Indy to Nashville which wasn’t so bad. But at that point I made the decision to stop by and see my brother in South Carolina. We made the hard left and headed through the dreadful ascents, descents and curves of the Appalachian hill. I dare call them mountains after mytrip to California and I;m not talking about boobies…although I could be. Pardon the tangent but these b(r)easts on the west coast are something to be admired. We’re driving to the airport after a week of what was supposed to be some type of training but ended up to be some type of tomfoolery with Canadians and their Caesars. More tangential ramblings…a Caesar is twist on the American Bloody Mary. Its Clamato juice, which is puree of clam juice and tomato juice, and Vodka…crazy Canadadians If it wasn’t for the fact that vodka was in it, I wouldn’t have had 4 glasses of it or whatever. Back to driving to the airport..looking down the street we comment about how much smog there was because the horizon was grayish/brown. After a few minutes one of the flaming passengers looked up and said holy shit, that’s a mountain. Sure enough, the mountain eclipsed the entire horizon, the only way to tell was to tilt your head back to see the break between the sky and the top of the thing. I thought it was amazing. We entered the airport at 11am and had a few beers…so what?

Back to Independence weekend, after we made it through Eastern Tennessee the trip wasn’t so bad. I did however develop a touch of road rage and on the way back to Indy it showed itself. We had a lot of fun in Atlanta for the 1 day we were there. Flying would have been the best option now that I look back on it…oh and there is the fact that I was pretty much raped by the rental car place. The fee pretty much doubled by the time I turned in the Accord. When I picked up the car the agent started selling all of these additional features and upgraded me. I was still pretty much sleeping so I agreed to whatever he said. Flying would have been a lot more comfortable and ultimately cheaper.

The next road trip is centered around a Yankees and Red Sox game in a few weeks. We’re starting out driving to Pittsburgh and staying for the night. There we will see the Incline or whatever my counterpart said was there. Then on to either Baltimore or DC, we are still up in the air on that one. We’ve both been to DC a wile ago and some dude at work says Baltimore is a nice place to visit. After watching The Wire, I’m not so sure. After Baltimore/DC we're off to the feature stop of New York City. We'll be there for three days, wrapping it up with a Yankees game mentioned above. If we aren't tapped out by then and have some extra coin left, the plan is to visit Niagara Falls. We're staying on the State side because neither of us has a passport...and I'm done with Canadadians for quite a while. Bomb-ass road-trip...maybe or whatever.

The Things I'm Worst at in the World

Completing a thought. Everyday of every night is this disassembly and reassembly of an ensemble of thoughts. Through all of the idiotic mind exercises I find myself thirsty for water, or alcohol...perhaps both. Then I stagger the the restroom, or into a more incredulous non-ground-breaking notion, threatening to provoke some form of intelligence to no avail. In one hemisphere of the brain and out the other, why bother? Letting go of the monkey bars because you know whats on the other side...a few steps and a slide and you're right back down. My playground will have an escalator...

The Stars Burning Holes Right Through the Dark

The All Time Low Times The All Time High of All Time Equals Good Times


Yeah, I've been fighting with an Excel formula all week long and I just gave up. Sort of like I gave up on this blog. Like I dumped it right, like a girlfriend...but then you're right back at her doorstep even though you know you shouldn't be but you're there anyway. Kinda like I shouldn't be posting a new blog. =countif(this:blog, "lame")+(counta(Todd:A, "dork")). I don't know...I have an idea... but I don't know know.

The Skin & The Sauce

The Drink Glass and Rolling Papers


Hi Haters! Summer is just about over and its about time that I rape my budget and throw all my coin away at the local H&M for my 2008 So Sick Fall/Winter Collection. So. Or maybes I could follow my heart and skip a student loan payment...or find a cougar willing to be my sugar momma splurge and head over to Phipps and cop one or all of the following:

I remember when my college roommate would prepare Maruchan Ramen Noodles in the sink...the same sink I used to wash my hands when I finished..playing..rock|paper|scissors..whateva. He would just turn on the hot water, pull up the stopper, and toss in the cube of noodles. Sick. That's how this blog tastes right about nizzow! If it weren't for Chin Up Chin Up balancing my equilibrium I'd probably bulemiate on my keyboard right now.

Speaking of...this weekend I did quite a few chin ups [shots] of various alcoholic beverages and consumed numerous lagers and ales with no hitch...and nothing to tow. I did, however, fulfilled my dream of doing a stand-up comedy bit which featured more theatrics than the Biejing Opening Ceremony. Though, at some points it felt as if I was eugoogoolizing someone. I was wet [wasted] but dry [not-funny].


So...I've got somewhere else to be

The Nights Are Like Lucid Dreams, Or My Dreams Are Like Lucid Nights...Or Whatever


Maybes 'whateva' is almost expired in my opinion. From now on I will use 'what-have-you'.

The Cool Nerds: Semi-Autobiographical, sans Cool

Ixnay on the erdNay and orkDay. I know you are but what am I? Whoever smelt it dealt it.

The Only Way I Could Beat Them Was To Punch Them In the Face As Hard As I Could


Konichiwa Bitches! Did you know I spoke French? Now you do. Did you know if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw, and my straw reaches across the room, and starts to drink your milkshake. I...drink...your...milkshake! I drink it up! And I don't even like milkshakes. That's from my 7th favorite film eva, There Will Be Blood.

Step Brothers

This was the funniest clip I could find online, but the funniest was when Brennan literally put his sack on Dale's drums. Considering its from the same family who made this shit, it was probably Will Ferrel's real scrotum we saw. Other than that the movie was nothing special. I kinda got tired of half-heartedly giggling every 2 seconds. Sometimes the guys try too hard (or not) for a cheap laugh than to give us smart comedy. F it...who am I though. My stand-up consists of a shitty Rodney Dangerfield impersonation of 'eh, no respect' and Curb Your Enthusiasm material. Even better (or worse) movie quotes purposefully done with little to no resemblance to the original. You can say my stand-up career is on par with Dane Cook.

My new Onitsuka Tigers

when I bought this pair of shoes, I thought how it would look up your ass the next time you spoke to me. survey sez...go to their ace site

Now that its back to school time for many, I reflect on my greatest achievement...dropping out and owing $13,000. What's the big deal??? Its called pissing in the wind, but cutting off in mid-stream. Do it one day soon or you will end up like these douchers...

The Calm Before The Fuck

I don't know where I fit in this venn diagram...

This blog has become a trailer park, but not the type you are from. I'm talking typing about full of video clips from the internets and upcoming movies...not what I wanted it to be. Lets get back to the basics...more douchery! Yayyy!!!!!!1


Yeah..so..and..getting out of the hospital after 2.75 days isn't all its cracked up to be. Sure, there is the fact you're not receiving intravenous therapy but who is to say I don't want that? It is so convenient. Sure there is the fact some chick does not check on you every 4 hours, but who is to say I don't want that? I do, but she will have a script to follow that does not include the word why, and leaves when I say 'be gone, B.' I'm going back!

If you can read (which I highly doubt. I'm all-in that you can't. does that mean I win? maybe I'm good at gambling. king me) If you can read, as you can see, above I stated, remember when I said I was in the hospital for almost 3 days? Let me clarify that for you...its true! Let me give you a little insight...I'm out! I don't like my business in the streets. When I returned to work the GM jumped down my balls like he was glad to see me, so I lied to his pasty face that 'I'm glad to be back' although I was wanting more IV love. I took that lying tone throughout the remainder of the day..the day that consisted of the same monotonous-corporate wannabe-world class-passive aggressive-small talk I hate. I want to tell the all to 'calm the fuck down.'



I really like Fiction Plane, every song. This one is an old one, but its still good

The Security of Your Shit


Burn After Reading is the upcoming flick from Joel and Ethan. Following up NCFOM might be pretty tough if the Coen Brothers wanted to make another NCFOM, but thank-godly Burn After Reading is not another NCFOM. The descriptionist kinda packages the film into the 'dark-comedy' genre cliche but what from the Coen's is not dark? Even their slot in Paris, je T'aime was somewhat on the dark side. Let's not review a 2 minute trailer though, I'm ultimately going to see it.

The Stupid Computer Voice

The Pretty Fucking Aceness

• a bulky cellular issued from work
• my Sidekick III
• the 80gb Zune
• a pack of Orbitz
• lip balm
• optional beverage
• keys, and
• wallet

The Continuous Life Moving Through Light


A quick preface, in which one should receive a timely update in the matter of my life...still a dork.

Shit, this writing strike that I have been piggybacking is now over. When readers asked why I haven't updated this blog, my reply was that I was expressing solidarity with the WGA. My debunked excuse did not travel far as it is obvious that I and the members of the WGA operate in seemingly different worlds...and then there is the fact that I do not receive compensation for this regurgitation of complete lameness from one may not ever recover. I have no protest and will just allow nature to take its ill-advised course on a poorly designed, though eco-efficient slow train to crash and burn...this is my mind.

I saw In Bruges with Colin Farell, Ralph Fiennes and Brenden Gleeson this weekend. Not 'with' them...they starred in the film which was shot 'on location'. Aren't all movies filmed 'on location' anyway? I believe what is meant is the filming is done where the actual setting of the story takes place, in this case Bruges, Belgium. Never heard of it, right? Pretty much the premise of the film. There's a lot more to it though, Colin Farell's reluctance and Ralph Fiennes' intensity are fucking hilarious and Brenden Gleeson's humaness balances them both for a largley entertaining and enjoyable veiwing at Midtown Art Cinema with old bears who reached extreme decibles with the slightest giggle. Okay, I exaggerated the latter but the movie is brilliant. If you go, make sure you pronounce In Bruge like 'broozh' so you don't look like an ass. I didn't mispronounce it, I'm just an ass...wysiwyg [what you see is what you get].

Of the actors, actresses and films nominated in next week's Oscar presentations, I'll be rooting for; Emile Hirsch for Best Actor from Into The Wild [shafted, although I did not see Daneil Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood], Javier Bardem for Best Supporting Actor from No Country For Old Men, Ellen Page for Best Actress from Juno, Juno [credit Diablo Cody for writing] for best original screenplay, and The Darjeeling Limited for Best Picture [again, shafted. I haven't seen There Will Be Blood]. Seriously, I think No Country For Old Men will win. Juno was good and all, but I'm just saying...

Normally I listen to bands that not many know exist, and then when they break through I'm so done with them. This time, Meet Me In St. Louis met their demise before I could get a good word out about them. The lead vocalist dropped out months ago and more recently the drummer threw his sticks in. I've fancied them for some time now and will onward because they still kick the shit out of my playlists.


good to be back